that’s where i’ve been living the past
few days.
here’s the story:
eyes burning and smarting with hot tears,
a painful lump in the back of my throat
threatening to choke me if i attempt to
speak a word.
this is the state of my being as i walk down
the hall with three other tired yet cheerful
night nurses to the parking garage.
i just recieved the sure and unchanging news
that i will N O T be getting time off from work
to visit home(ok and nyc) in december. it all
makes sense really, as i am number 45 of 45
in seniority on the unit, yet it is still devastating.
“people put in for vacation almost a year ago.
october, november, december are always
taken first. there is no way i can let you leave
during this time.”
my heart… broken at the news
my feelings… hurt at the insensitive way
it was given to me.
thinking about not being able to return home
until january or february makes me feel like
i’m suffocating. i must “come up for air”, as a
friend put it, and i can’t!!!
sadness
frustration
a deeper realization of my love and longing for nyc
curled up on the couch cuddled next to my dad
under a blanket drinking hot cocoa, made so
perfectly by mom, staring at the lights
in the house and the tree, content to sit there
all night saying nothing, just looking…
not this year.
after a tearful (to say the least) drive home
and a call to mom i kicked off my shoes and
crawled into bed with the half awake julie.
she comforted me like only she can. we
talked it though. i sobbed, leaving a wet
spot on her sheets from my tears .
she was sympathetic and gentle rubbing
my back the whole time. after a long while
the subject changed and we were soon laughing
uproariously about something.
all day i tried to resign and yield my plans
and desires to whatever God chooses for me.
difficult, yet comforting.
he knows, i do not. he is sovereign, i am not.
the good news:
that day i was laying down for a pre-work
nap. mom and dad called. (they are really
very tender and kind parents, unable to
bear when i am so sad. it rips them to shreds)
they are coming to me for christmas!! isn’t
this marvelous news?!!
mom and i are still working on dad. leaving
the businesses and house and pets for more than
a few days is hard to coordinate, and he is
inclined to stay and hold down the fort.
i’m so thankful!
i could still cry at any moment thinking
about missing okc and new york at
christmas time, but the drama is fading
and reality is setting in.
so, my beloved new york, maybe january
or february is our time to meet again!!
